I think I lost myself for awhile and I didn’t want to find myself. These things take time, sometimes you know what the right thing to do is but you just aren’t ready to accept it yet. You can look up at it gleaming skywards and menacing all at once. You can soothe the hurt out and study it coldly, dissect it with tweezer-sharp precision, identify the scientific explanation or fact and still that is not enough. I am killing myself. That is not enough. I am dying slowly faster and that is not enough. My arms with bracelets of blood bile I cannot stand up. I’m drooling on myself and cannot, can I, I can’t remember…This is the crux. Still drunk the next day I don’t even realize for awhile. Don’t even care. Laugh at myself as usual and then drive and oh—things aren’t so great. Fuzzy, blurred, heart racing how fast am I going? Make it back safe behind locked doors, alone and the sickness hits and trembling, shaking. Contradictory duplicity. This is my bad side that no one sees, this is my monster, my secret shame. Naked, wet and cold hiding under the blanket thinking ohgodmygoddeargod how is this happening again it wasn’t supposed to happen again. Sweat stale and sticky hot clinging to my skin the heat is on the time warp begins as each agonizing minute passes remembering the other times curled up balled up dried vomit on my jeans what happened to all my cigarettes
so that was in reference to alcohol and i kinda just switched substances and am now going through the same bullshit in varying shades of shit but that’s what has to happen. for as fragile and as crazy as i want to think i am or try to pretend i am there is some superhuman strength and point towards which i’m moving and it doesn’t really matter what it is, i have some ideas but the main thing i want to remember, i just don’t know where my notebook is and it is nice to use a blog for an actually blogging purpose from time to time perhaps. in any case—the main thing was is has been and always will be that i should take care of myself or try to give a fuck or at least stop hurting myself for long enough to heal to let that start to happen, because if it doesn’t then where is this all going? i was sort of forced to violently confront the fact that there IS a reason i don’t kill myself every day, even if i don’t know what that reason is. so i can find a reason. i can do that. i am going to start doing that today. i’m going to go get a key and turn on electricity and sit inside a completely empty house and meditate on how this new environment is going to help me reach the future that the smaller smarter side of me knows is there. the bigger, apathetic, self-destructive side never lets me win, man. i am ready to kick the shit out of my shit self. i am going to spell out ‘be aggressive’ faith no more style in the mental background space while the two selves battle it out. fuck you stronger shit side. let terrified but nice kate come out for awhile. you made her stay in the dark too long again. oh my god internet blogs are a HORRIBLE THING.